About looking at things from a distance
Some thoughts about taking another perspective.
About traps and how distance can help us to see things more clearly.
Somewhere in your neighborhood … there is that elderly lady who could actually enjoy life. Yet she doesn´t. Although she doesn´t seem to lack anything, she ́s grumbling all the time. Whenever you meet her, she's complaining - about the bad weather, the noisy neighbors, the government, and about her ungrateful children. It is obvious to you that she stands in her own way. She sees problems everywhere and therefore finds no peace. It seems tragic: She has enough money and a family, yet she scares them off with her constant rotten mood. And actually, it could be that easy ...!
Why is that? Why can ́t she see it?
Oftentimes you can see things more clearly from a distance than when you are too close. It’s just like watching TV, - if you press your nose directly onto the TV screen, you won ́t be able to make out any images. However, if you sit further away, the picture can be seen clearly.
Nevertheless, it's not just about the spatial dimension, but also about the temporal one. You can again use a TV example here: Sometimes you only understand a film in retrospect, but not while you are watching it.
Sometimes we just can ́t see the bigger picture. If we have no spatial or timely distance to things and events, we can´t see them clearly. This is, what "hindsight is 20/20" means. It describes that the complete understanding of things sometimes only occurs to us after an event has happened.
Overall, this means: When we are in the middle of a storm or an avalanche, we often cannot even see that we actually are in the middle of it.
If we were to observe an avalanche event from the outside, we would of course capture it quickly; we would know immediately what is going on.
If we are IN the avalanche, then we can only recognize it later, over time. Similarly, in retrospect, we often recognize our situations more clearly: At that time, I was obviously in puberty, … in love or … in a hurry ...
And that`s why we oftentimes see problems with others more clearly than within ourselves. Therefore, we sometimes seem to be trapped (in weird ideas, expectations, thoughts, ..whatever) without realizing that we are – yet it is easy to see for an outsider.
The whole thing is reminiscent of a monkey trap. There is a special way to catch monkeys by drilling a small hole in a coconut and hiding some fruit there. The greedy monkey reaches in for the fruit. However, the hole is too small for a fist and the monkey cannot pull his hand out while holding the fruit. He is now trapped - without violence - since he does not let go of the fruit.
He continues to hold the fruit which causes him to stay trapped, and is finally caught. Doesn't that sometimes remind us of ourselves?
What can we do?
We can try learning by watching others around us and through reflection. We can learn from others' situations because then we have the needed distance. We are not emotionally involved. Usually, we can recognize the coconut trap from the distance. (It’s also a great opportunity to turn irritation into curiosity).
We can then transfer these learnings to our own situations.: Let ́s consider the situation of our BFF: Of course our friend doesn´t have to bake 5 vegan cakes for the party or deep-clean the entire house because your mother-in-law is coming. And of course, your best friend should treat herself to something nice! Seen from your perspective, it ́s obvious that there is no point in being stressed because of your mother-in-law. And of course, she shouldn't deny herself this wish.
But how would you react if it were your situation? Would you also give this kind advice yourself? Or would you be trapped too?
Don’t we also all have the same feeling that we "have to do whatsoever"? (maybe its not about baking but other stuff...)Yupp, we are all falling into the same kind of trap. So, I´d like to provide a reminder: Be kind to others. And what’s even more important (because most people are gentler with the BFF than with themselves) - be kind to yourself. No nasty self-talk! It takes time to change your patterns. It’s great when you realize your own traps, but this won’t be an overnight transformation. Patience, please ♡ (.. for most of the people I know - myself included - patience is a VERY tough thing …).
Try to take help from a buddy. Let’s take an example of decluttering your wardrobe. Have you ever done it with someone together? It's so much faster AND easier. Because the other will see clearly (with emotional distance) what to do with the ugly shirts (THROW IT AWAY!).
Conclusion: Taking another perspective can help us to see more clearly and to become aware of our own traps. And by becoming more aware of our traps, we become more capable to change something.
And as most good things - it takes time to change. Therefore, be patient and be gentle with yourself ♡
„You cannot see the bottom of the pot, when the water is boiling. “