About listening - the underestimated communication factor
„We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.“
It´s all about communication. Most of the people I know describe themselves as communicative. This is not surprising as I work in an extroverted and communication-intensive industry. If we ask applicants about their strengths in interviews, the most common answer is “great communication skills”. If you keep asking what exactly they mean by good communication skills, things get more interesting. Only few name listening as a relevant attribute, - it seems to be one of the most underrated factors.
But what exactly makes listening such a relevant point?
It's obvious - NOBODY likes to be overlooked, nobody likes to be overheard. People want to be heard. People notice when you don't listen properly. As a result they may feel neglected and ignored - and they will judge you as rude, arrogant, disinterested or uncaring. It is obvious: IF YOU CARE about the other person or if you want to sell something, then these feelings will not be an effective basis. If you want the other person to be comfortable, listen. With real interest.
But there is another essential reason for the great relevance of listening:
YOU ARE ONLY ABLE TO HELP others if you understand their problem.
Many people only listen with the intent to reply. But they seldom listen to understand. Understand to be understood (exactly: Seek first to understand, then to be understood) - this is how Covey put it in his book "7 Habits of Highly Effective People". The lesson: First you have to listen to the others in order to understand their point of view, their situation, their problem. Only by knowing the real situation you are able to respond, sell or help appropriately.
Many people in general want to help. If someone describes a problem, we are right there with well-intentioned advice. But how can you offer a suitable solution when the real problem is not identified? Or how can you sell business solutions without really knowing what is bothering the customer?
In other words, if you have a consulting or sales business and you want to offer other people help, then you first have to understand their problem. If you don't understand what it's about, you can't start in the right place. We are often so busy positioning ourselves in our role (as consultant/helper/seller) that we are completely distracted from the essentials.
Two examples I recently came across: A woman was sent to a coach by her manager because she speaks too softly in meetings. She should learn to speak louder. It turned out: The woman was annoyed by the many show-offs around. Therefore, this point of view and how to deal with it was worked on during her coaching. Vocal training, as obvious as it seemed in the beginning, would of course not have helped since she technically could speak loudly, but unconsciously she did not want to. It was her (unconscious) choice of protest.
The second example: I met a colleague who was visibly stressed. Sooo busy! For a moment I was tempted to suggest a few time management wisdoms. But it turned out: The main stress was caused by a situation that would be decided in a week. In other words, he couldn´t do anything yet. However, he was stressed because he imagined all the possible outcomes and wanted to prepare a solution for all eventualities. And it wasn't even a critical matter! His „problem“ was, that he just wanted to master this trivial task particularly well. The stress only existed in his head and prevented a clear view. His „brain-software“ has hung up. The best thing he could do was just to wait for the decision one week later. And THEN react. It made no difference to the company's success. When he realized that, his stress was immediately relieved.
This led to two insights: When someone is stressed, it's not always about too much work. And: In order to be able to help, you have to understand the real problem.
Also, not everybody is eloquent enough to describe their problems. How are we supposed to understand it? Especially when we're not listen properly? It´s crucial to concentrate on reading between the lines and to ask questions of understanding.
If you are interested in honest answers the following techniques may help:
Announce that this is a “real” question. For example you could say: “This is a real and not a rhetorical question. I don't want to point out anything in particular”.
Scenario-technique: “If you were me (or: If this was your own company) - how would you decide?"
Rephrase: “Did I understood you correctly that …?”
Speak openly if you are not convinced: “I got that you like this, but to be honest, it somehow doesn't seem like that to me. Do you really
like …?“
„Never assume you understand. Ask the questions.“